How to Turn a Large, Angry Man into a Bunnyrabbit

I tried an experiment yesterday, and successfully turned a large, loud, angry, abusive man into a bunnyrabbit.

The back story is that I am the owner of an old wooden boat, the upkeep of which probably takes more of my time and money than any sensible person should spend on an inanimate object. My boat has called the same slip at the same dock on Lake Union in Seattle home for a decade now. Every once in awhile, I connect my water hose to the spigot next to my boat and use it to fill my water tank or wash down the boat's exterior.

Recently, the two boats that share my water spigot have been occupied by boats whose owners live aboard the boats, and both owners have connected their own hoses to the two taps on the water spigot. Moreover, both of the other owners have asked me not to remove their hoses. This creates something of a problem for me, because I can only connect my hose by temporarily disconnecting someone else's hose. So yesterday, when I needed to fill my water tank, I knocked at the houseboat next door to let them know I would be using the water spigot, in order to avoid any problems for them. A woman came to the door, and I let her know that I would be using the water. Shortly, a large and angry man came out of the houseboat and began hollering at me. He ordered me to stop using "his" spigot, and let me understand that I would be in big trouble if I didn't follow his orders. I tried to explain that I had to get water from somewhere, and that I had been using this spigot for ten years with no problems. But he just hollered at me some more, went back into his houseboat and slammed the door.

I was confronted with a dilemma. I needed water, but I didn't want a war. He wasn't willing to listen to me or negotiate, so I had no partner in a solution. I considered writing a formal letter to the marina owner asking the marina to create a solution that would work for all of us, but the marina owner has a long history of being unresponsive to problems. Somehow, we, the people with the problem, needed to work this out.

Finally, I figured it out. I went to the grocery store and bought a lovely, rainbow-colored bouquet of flowers, then drove back to the marina, walked out the dock to the houseboat, and knocked on the door. My heart was pounding with adrenaline, and I was pretty sure the large man was about to holler at me again or maybe start beating the crap out of me and then throw me in the lake! He answered the door, still frowning and fuming with rage, and he opened his mouth to start yelling at me when he saw the flowers. His mouth remained open, but with amazement.

"I'm here to apologize for getting off on the wrong foot with you, and so I've brought you this peace offering," I said fearfully, and thrust the bouquet into his hand before he knew what I was doing. "I really don't want to cause you a problem, and I wonder if there isn't some solution that works for both of us."

His tone immediately changed. He replied quietly, with a stunned expression on his face, and for the first time he explained the nature of his problem and exactly how I had inconvenienced him and his wife. The woman I had spoken to earlier was a friend and a guest, but she had never relayed my warning that I was turning off their water, so his wife had been caught in the shower with no water pressure -- not a pleasant experience for her. After a few minutes, we were chatting like old friends, and agreed to figure out a solution together.

This experiment was triggered for me by Walter Wink, a philosopher who writes extensively about Christian teachings on nonviolence, notably in his book, Jesus and Nonviolence: A Third Way. Wink proposes that nonviolence need not be submisssion to violence, nor a passive retreat from aggression or abuse, but rather should be an active, bold, initiatory striving for justice based on compassion. By responding to the anger and violence of others with a sharp, clear, bold yet nonviolent compassion, we can lay the basis for others to change their behavior, and we can learn how to change ourselves as well.